and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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