As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
