never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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