Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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