He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
