Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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