I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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