my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
