Grow some girl-balls and come out already
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
