I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
