the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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