Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
