He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
