I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
