Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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