Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
