Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
