my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
