He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
