are you still at the devil's house?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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