I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
