I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
