Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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