Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
