do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
