she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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