So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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