We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
