I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
