everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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