Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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