dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
