I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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