So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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