i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
