If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
