a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
