You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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