I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I could make wine with my vomit
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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