"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
