I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Watching her eat just hurts me
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
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