Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
