Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
