there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
