My hand turned me down
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
