dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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