i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Randomize
