you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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