When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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