I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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