you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
