Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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