You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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