Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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