I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
