its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
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